Breaking news, a mountain lion was spotted in our hometown during the day at a local campground that’s kind of in the city. This is a fantastic mystery!!!! Where for art did thou lioness come? We have no mountains for your lion-y ways. BUT don’t leave!!!! I find you tantalizing.
Just when you think you have nothing left to write about a lion comes to town. I am so lucky.
So this is how it went down. A man who works for the campground saw this large cat come out of the woods and walk into the field during the day. Like any intelligent person would do, he jumped onto his golf cart and drove up to the beast. He got about 25 feet away from it which allowed him to confirm that it was in fact a mountain lion. ROOARRRRRRRRR
I promise you that so much of that impact and humor was lost because you couldn’t hear me actually doing that.
Anyways, my favorite part about this guy is that he was quoted in the news as saying that he brought his coffee mug for defense just in case he needed to use it.
More breaking news, he’s a mountain lion. Starbucks ceramics can not help you.
Breaking news, he’s not a house cat. He is in exhibits at zoos.
Breaking news, they eat humans. They eat entire cows for lunch.
This just in, they can run faster than golf carts.
This also in, the cup would only tick him off more causing him to be more likely to make you a half rack of ribs.
The news that night would’ve read,
“Mountain lion eats almost a whole man and puts the leftovers in a mug for later.”
Whew…I just gave a lot of headlines off of one ridiculous quote.
This is a mountain lion/cougar/puma (All the same animal. Fact of the day: This mammal goes by more official names than any other in the animal kingdom).
Here he is:
And you chose…..
I chose this image of a mug because I’m sure the images on the mug where seriously heavily considered as his second best choice for line of defense. I would hope he would use scissors but deep inside….I know it’s paper.
Attacking a mountain lion with a mug is like spanking a dinosaur with a spatula. Try again, buddy. I’m just really glad you didn’t get a chance to use your cup skills.
Even better than this guy was a quick review of the message board of comments on the news article from the surrounding locals who say they have seen a cougar around their house. Deep breath. This is starting to sound like big foot sightings. You did not, I repeat DID NOT see a cougar hanging out around your house. I’ll buy one lone large kitty but not several because they aren’t really supposed to be around here. What you are describing is a bob cat. That, you have seen. Those are around here and are larger cats that hunt but they ain’t no lion of the mountains. The park dude that identified the cat said he looked to be about 100 pounds which is kind of like me with huge muscles and massive fangs and a big delicious roar….. just in case you can’t conceive a 100 pound predator cat. Bob cats, on the average size are 15 pounds. On the big side, 30 pounds…at least the type around here. So these locals were almost right. Just about 85 pounds and the face of a lion off. You were almost right except for not at all.
A clever funny dude at the end of the message board responded to these people by saying that we ‘really need to get a hold of this meth problem in our area’. Now this is the kind of guy I can really get behind. If he saw a mountain lion, he would use something more effective for defense like a bazooka.
ROARRRRRRRRRR. ROOOOOAAAARRRRR. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Hide your cows, hide ya kids, cause this lion be eating everyone out here!