Mountains of Mystery Cats

Breaking news, a mountain lion was spotted in our hometown during the day at a local campground that’s kind of in the city.  This is a fantastic mystery!!!!  Where for art did thou lioness come?  We have no mountains for your lion-y ways.  BUT don’t leave!!!!  I find you tantalizing.

Just when you think you have nothing left to write about a lion comes to town.  I am so lucky.

So this is how it went down.  A man who works for the campground saw this large cat come out of the woods and walk into the field during the day.  Like any intelligent person would do, he jumped onto his golf cart and drove up to the beast.  He got about 25 feet away from it which allowed him to confirm that it was in fact a mountain lion.  ROOARRRRRRRRR 



I promise you that so much of that impact and humor was lost because you couldn’t hear me actually doing that.

Anyways, my favorite part about this guy is that he was quoted in the news as saying that he brought his coffee mug for defense just in case he needed to use it. 

More breaking news, he’s a mountain lion.  Starbucks ceramics can not help you. 

Breaking news, he’s not a house cat.  He is in exhibits at zoos.

Breaking news, they eat humans.  They eat entire cows for lunch.

This just in, they can run faster than golf carts.

This also in, the cup would only tick him off more causing him to be more likely to make you a half rack of ribs. 

The news that night would’ve read,

“Mountain lion eats almost a whole man and puts the leftovers in a mug for later.”

Whew…I just gave a lot of headlines off of one ridiculous quote.

This is a mountain lion/cougar/puma (All the same animal.  Fact of the day:  This mammal goes by more official names than any other in the animal kingdom). 

Here he is:

And you chose…..

I chose this image of a mug because I’m sure the images on the mug where seriously heavily considered as his second best choice for line of defense.  I would hope he would use scissors but deep inside….I know it’s paper.

Attacking a mountain lion with a mug is like spanking a dinosaur with a spatula.  Try again, buddy.  I’m just really glad you didn’t get a chance to use your cup skills.

Even better than this guy was a quick review of the message board of comments on the news article from the surrounding locals who say they have seen a cougar around their house.  Deep breath.  This is starting to sound like big foot sightings.  You did not, I repeat DID NOT see a cougar hanging out around your house.  I’ll buy one lone large kitty but not several because they aren’t really supposed to be around here.  What you are describing is a bob cat.  That, you have seen.  Those are around here and are larger cats that hunt but they ain’t no lion of the mountains.  The park dude that identified the cat said he looked to be about 100 pounds which is kind of like me with huge muscles and massive fangs and a big delicious roar….. just in case you can’t conceive a 100 pound predator cat.  Bob cats, on the average size are 15 pounds.  On the big side, 30 pounds…at least the type around here.  So these locals were almost right.  Just about 85 pounds and the face of a lion off.  You were almost right except for not at all.

A clever funny dude at the end of the message board responded to these people by saying that we ‘really need to get a hold of this meth problem in our area’.  Now this is the kind of guy I can really get behind.  If he saw a mountain lion, he would use something more effective for defense like a bazooka.


Hide your cows, hide ya kids, cause this lion be eating everyone out here!

Doobie Loungin'

I speak these words carefully because I know how vicious cat haters can be.  However, as of late, my good man Bonkers has been expressing his animal instincts by stretching his long arms and talons on our dry wall.  Stretching is okay but he utilizes his talons in a scratching motion and drags his paws down the wall peeling away the paint.  Don’t judge him! Scratching is  an instinct that felines have to sharpen their finger blades and to mark their scent on whatever they scratch.  So when I’m done spanking his little striped behind that is found just below his cute lemur tail, I think to myself, “Those are the marks of a cat that says…see ya later suckers…this house is mine.”  Aww it’s like a violent love letter to say, “I love you mom this many scratches worth.”

But still, there are better ways for him to make me feel his love so I purchased Skittles and Bonkers an acceptable scratching device.  It’s this cardboard thing for cats that is in the shape of a sofa which we all can appreciate.  I brought it home and hoped that we wouldn’t have a repeat of  the crinkly cube tube that I bought for them last year.  I purchased it out of love, not need, and I was so sad because I kept having to throw them inside the crinkle cube and they just kept running out.  I ended up having to take it back to Walmart and I couldn’t fold it back up correctly so I had to awkwardly carry it in and tell them that my kitties had rejected the device.  As you can see, I had great concerns for the cardboard kitten sofa.  It was 16 dollars which was also a feature that made it feel risky. 

So I get home and rip open the feline gift and lay it on the floor.  Immediately the culprit approaches the couch and sinks his claws into this new toy of mystery.  SUCCESS!  Then I realized that their sofa came with catnip which is basically cat weed.  But hey, nothing wrong with your cat doing pot.  Not illegal.  Not in this house.  Not for these cats.  I really wanted them to partake in catnip but you can’t force these things.  They have to happen on their own.

I ripped the bag open and sprinkled it on the couch as directed and waited.  But not too long because apparently Bonkers is a closet stoner.  He sniffed.  He purred.  He rolled around in it over and over and fell asleep.  Bonkers loves his weed couch and I can’t keep him away.  Skittles tried to get on the couch today and Bonkers beat her up for it.  At first I felt really happy for my cats and the doobie sofa.  Now I know that drugs rip families apart.

 bonkersweed 005


 Bonkers on his weed couch with his stash in front of him.  I wish I could say that I put that bag there but he pulls it out from under his sofa when I hide it there.

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