Everyone always talks about the mom butt but that butt ain’t the only thing on the menu. What about the uterine shelf? It’s the butt’s front. You know what I’m talking about. Have you noticed in a lot of women, just below the belly button, it’s not truly a fat roll but like a small shelf that sticks out as if to say, “Hey, uterus was here.” I think it appears most on small to medium builds but I’m not here to count anyone out. I’m sure uterine shelves can be available to all ladies.
It’s like your uterus just plopped back on the couch, unbuttoned it’s pants, let out a belch and let it all hang out. Listen, it deserves a break. It grew from the size of the fist to the size of a Thanksgiving turkey TWICE, in my case that is. It’s a needs a vacation from it’s problems…just like Bob Wiley.
It’s weird because I know our uteruses aren’t there anymore but it’s like they left a footprint. It’s like they said to whatever organ is there now, “Hey, hold my place in line. I’ll be back.” Uterine shelves are a real phenomenon so I don’t know why the mom butt gets all the media attention.
Yes, your hips spread out making your butt sort of spread out like warm butter on a hot summery day. This widening of the tail and the enlarging of the belly makes some woman buy pleated acid wash jeans in attempt to cover it all up. Nothing says concealed like a nice 3 yards of denim. This actually makes the butt look bigger and stranger than its other female, never pregnant butt counterparts. It’s awesome. But, so are uterine shelves.
They can’t display anything on them. They can’t be covered up really; even by the mom jeans. If you now what you are looking for, you can spot them from a Target baby aisle away. They aren’t talked about very much but many women have a uterine ledge. A baby shelf. A womb cliff. A fetal diving board….Olympic style ones. A belly button tray. An ovarian dashboard. A midget mantle. A fetal bench. A fallopian freeway. A baby garden garage. A reproductive rack. A booksi bar.
It’s time to talk about the mom butt’s evil twin: uterine ghost shelf. After a baby it’s not party in the front, business in the back. It’s a straight party everywhere. Thank you, uterus. You deserve it. Thanks for being my baby hut.
(confetti lands on uterine shelf)
(She feels embarrassed and closes her laptop.)