Throwing A Kid’s Party: A Mom Drama

Written for a magazine in Australia by yours truly…

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I’m hovering over roughly 40 empty party cups when the balloon banner falls down.  Stupid gravity.  There wasn’t gravity in the Pinterest picture of this.  I’m juggling three kinds of berries and adding them into empty appetizer cups while my husband strolls by smiling and walking at a normal pace.

Smiling?

Regular walking?

Doesn’t he know that the party is about to start in T-minus 62 minutes?!!  I give him a mental karate chop to the jugular and continue in my frenzy.

My daughter comes running through the kitchen excitedly and eyes the cake like a salivating jaguar while I blurt out, “Don’t touch the cake!” I scream it out like someone told me, “The louder you scream, the safer it will be.”  Whew, it’s definitely gonna be okay then.

Then, the worst thing happens.  The worst thing of all party things:  a knock at the door.  Early guests!  An hour early kind of guest!  No wait, guests!  Emphasis on the “s”.  I contemplate running to the corner of the room to rock back and forth and drool on myself.  I guess I should run to the bedroom and put something on other than my mother-in-law’s sweatpants.  Maybe they will forget that the party is half done and the pajamas I was wearing while sweating over the salsa.

“Here, enjoy an appetizer cup with one blueberry in it.  It’s all I could get in before the guest explosion of 2016.”

“Why is everyone here so early?”, I ask my husband’s family.  And in slow motion I see the words forming in their mouths.  No, no, no!  Now, this is the worst of all party things!

“The invitation said 1-3,” they said in a Charlie Brown’s teacher voice.

I forgot to change it!!!  Sweet mother of Martha Stewart, I forgot to change it.  In my mind I vomit and reverse karate chop my husband’s jugular and spin around to instead slice the invitation with the wrong time.  He never saw it coming.  Now he knows how I feel about all of those guests he was just sending my way while I’m half-dressed in the kitchen struggling with tablecloths and tape .  And by “he” I mean the invitation, of course.  He offended me so then I got personal.

Well, ready or not, I guess the party is here and starting so I do the surprise guest clean up and stuff things in unsuspecting closets and drawers. I’m glad I usually have a messy house so I know just how to do the “Who the heck has the nerve to be at the door?!” panic clean up.

What I have will just have to work.  Rest in peace cupcake toppers.  So long you freakin’ bag tags.  Here comes the party for better or worse.

The party rolls on and we all survive. The cupcakes were the wrong color and there may have been cat poop in the sandbox the kids played in but hey, that’s a risk you take when you play in large boxes of dig-able backyard goodness.  You admit to yourself that no one cared that all the flowers you put on the back porch died approximately 2 seconds after you put them out. You know, I had to put out flowers because what 4 year- old doesn’t want flowers at their party? Yes, right after the request for a princess cake they say, “Oh, and beautiful flowers in lanterns on the back porch made of flowers you cut from a neighbor’s bush.”  Man, I’m really glad she was down for that because that’s exactly where I got them.

People laugh, kids smile and your kid’s swear it was the best party ever.  Your birthday girl runs inside with cat poop sand in her hair, a laugh in her throat, and has icing in crevices you are sure to clean for a month.  You high five yourself.  You feel like the offspring of Rachael Ray and Nate Berkus.

You took 200 hundred pictures that you may never print out but you feel better for taking them.  You hug your little rascals necks, tell them you love them and that you wanted everything to be perfect just for them.  You hand out the favors and swear you will never do a party at home next year.

“Next year we will rent a party space,” you say.

“Next year we will buy a balloon banner,” you declare with authority.

But deep down you know you will be back on Etsy and Pinterest pinning your children-party loving brain out.   Blasted creative juices, I curse your name.

Like every party, when it’s all said and done, you realize that it’s not always attention to detail that matters but attention to the personal:  the cupcakes had glitter, the straws you used were a must, not because they matched, but because your 4 year-old loves a good slurp .  Ultimately, parties are about the people you love so much that you spent 57 hours on the internet trying to find the right Frozen banner like every other mother on planet earth.  You pay attention to details because you pay attention to people.

Your people.

For every stressful moment you have trying to make a party they will remember, there is a little dog-eared girl or cape-wearing super hero boy that made it worth it.

It’s always a little crazy.  You always spend more than you planned and next year, you’ll do it all again.  Because for every piece of confetti you will never get out of your favorite wool rug, there is an even better memory you won’t get out of your mind…

Even if the party guests had the nerve to show up at the time on the invitation.

 

Her Party Pants



Visit me on my new site! Whoa!  I will still post here from time to time and this site shall live on, never to be taken down.

That’s the new logo and the new name down yonder, hot off the internetual press.  Internetual is a new word that I heard for the first time a minute ago when I wrote that sentence.

Follow the new me on Pinterest, Instagram and Facebook!  Other than my Pinterest, these are spankin’ new accounts aka no followers yet so start to follow me so it will be less awkward, geez.  If only there was an option to follow me on Dubsmash with content related to this blog.  It would be revolutionary.  And hilarious.  But mainly, revolutionary.

Check out www.herpartypants.com

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The Half Goodbye

 

Well, I’m back after two weeks and I’m ready to talk! After a few months of struggling/toying with the idea, I have decided that my time here at the1sthundred as we all have known it for years, is ready for a new phase…a lesser one. 5 years ago this July, I started a wordpress.com blog originally named “thefirsthundred” after some friends of mine liked reading my posts on Facebook.  I decided to start blogging and since I’ve always loved writing, it just seemed natural. Two years ago, I moved to this site with the slightly different name and started running ads.  It’s when I considered to have “gotten serious” about making a go of blogging.

I’ve had my share of ups: a syndication, a viral post, featured writer spots, over 16,000 viewers in a day, and a post for Shutterfly.  I’ve had my frustrations, my joys, and a fire in my belly that I could really do this as a career.   I’ve loved writing here and the people I’ve met and I feel honored to have shared my life and all it entails to relate to and encourage others, and make you laugh about your marriages and parenting stages.  And maybe, just maybe, a few of you learned about Big Foot and Pilgrims along the way.  There’s not much else I could ask for…

Perhaps it’s been all of the Shark Tank episodes lately (I kid…sort of), but in the last few months I began getting really honest with myself and I started to feel like the time and expense I was putting in, wasn’t proportional to what I was getting out.  I looked at how long I have been at this versus where I am and what it takes away from my daily life and I felt like I couldn’t keep up anymore…I couldn’t justify my investments.  For the first time, I grew really tired of the grind.  I know I will miss the pace and purpose behind regularly posting but for now, I think this is the best choice.

So what’s to come?

This site?  It’s not going anywhere.  Are you crazy??? I’ve written 900 posts that I’m not about to have deleted by site destruction into the web-o-sphere abyss.  This blog will remain up for a lonnnnng time.  I will have it made into books for each of my girls so they will be able to have it someday and really get to know, feel, see, and experience who I was/am and what it was like for me to navigate life, marriage, parenting, and what wisdom and humor I had on life.  I’ve planned to give all of these writings to my children from the beginning and until that’s been done, this blog shall never die! NEVERRRRRRRRRR! It’s been way to much work for that.  It will always be special to me.

I will even post on here as I desire, but the 3 posts a week days are gone for now for as far as I can see.  I will maybe post twice in a month or twice in 9 months.  I’m not really sure but it will happen when the words move me.  That, or something really dumb happens that I have to share via sarcasm with the world.

If you scroll through my archives ever or remember a post, please still share and pass it on.  I never wrote these words for only myself.  Not hardly.  Whenever I run into someone in public and they say, “I don’t mean to be creepy but…I read your blog…”  I’m like, “Please do!  I’m not writing this just for my momma!  Please, be creepy!  Invite others!” I still hope it exists to make others think, be encouraged, be moved, or just laugh.

In other big news, I’m pregnant.

And, no I’m not.  Just keeping you on your toes.

But seriously, I am looking into another venture of my own creation which would be another blog but very different from this one.  It would be one with creative juices coupled with five years of “I wish I would have done that 900 posts ago” changes. It’s been hard to try to correct and re-do everything I had wanted/needed to do to push this blog further. I have been looking into that new site but for now, I’m enjoying a long needed break.  I will announce that new site here and on my Facebook fan page upon it’s birth, if I decide to officially to push it out.  I’ve been in talks…

So this is sort of goodbye, but only to how you have known this site to be with it’s Monday, Wednesday, Friday postings with all of the randomness that is me.  When they strike, I’ll add any new posts to my Facebook accounts and I hope you will still come by to these stomping grounds for some reads.  Thank you for all of the encouragement, shares, comments, participation, inspirations,  and honest moments that have helped me keep on keeping on at the past pace I was running. I will miss being here so often all too soon.  Until the next time some words hold me hostage until I release them on paper, I’ll be seeing you.  Thanks to my husband who I’ve coined “the eternal good sport” and my ridiculously crazy children for all of the stellar content.  And thanks to you guys for all of the years of love and support.

Sincerely Your never embarrassed, over sharing, little white big black woman, laugh giver, cry maker, dance video making, check memo slangin’, truth seeking, party throwing, wisdom nugget baker, mother loving, relateable, rap loving, honest machine who appreciates all that God, little people, life and Pilgrims have to teach us….

With Love,

Rebecca

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Stop, Break Time

 

I am taking a two week vacation from my blog, the first real vacation I’ve taken in years. I’m taking two weeks off starting today.  I need a little time to clear my head while I’m tossing around different thoughts about my future as a blogger.  I will see you soon!

Jobs I Couldn’t Do

 

Body Diver

My dad has a friend or client or some person he talked to at some point in his life, who was a body diver in bodies of water for dead people.  Usually this is done in dark lake waters and you can’t see things until it’s right up on you.  If I saw a large fish unexpectedly in my face, I would be terrified.  That lets me know that I could not be a body diver.

911 Dispatcher

If someone called me and said, “AAAAHHHHHHH, my house is on fire!”  I would just say, “AHHHHHHHHHHH what are you going to do?!!!!  I’m so scared!”

Disqualified.

A Lawyer, Judge, or Officer

I choose jobs like bakers or candlestick makers where you don’t deal with ticking off criminals.  I feel like I would be like, “Hey, guys, he says he’s real sorry…” or after sentencing someone to life, “We’re still friends though, right?”

A Funeral Home Director

Although I’m really good at being compassionate,  I’m also really good at being moved and crying.  I would probably make the families feel uncomfortable with all of my sobbing.  Who knows, maybe they would be strong for me and it would help them pull through.

Construction Worker/Carpenter

“Rebecca, how long does this board need to be?”

“Uh, like three small slashes past the 4 on the tape measure.”

Animal Cop

I would do very good at the animal protection part minus the distraction of crying.  However, I would do a very bad job at the human protecting part due to the amount of times I would pull my gun on animal offenders.

“How dare you chain your  dog without water!! Bam!  Bam!”

Ironically, I would probably be a very good animal control dispatcher. Wait, make that animal body guard…a really underestimated and respectable profession.

Personal Trainer

“Hey, you did a good job today.  Let’s go get some ice cream.  Also, it will be too hot outside tomorrow so we will need to cancel.”

Tattoo Artist

I like a good craft or art project.  I can even hold my own with some art things, but I’m also very easily frustrated and a perfectionist.  I have a strong suspicion that I would get real mad and scribble over the tattoo with the ink and ask if we could start over.

Taxi Cab Driver

I’m pretty sure I would be too chicken to drive unknown humans around town all day long.

“Where do you want me to come?  That side of town?  Oh, sorry.  I only take people from the mall to Target.”

“You need me to pick you up right now?  When the sun is down?  Sorry.  I only transport puppies and kittens after 7 p.m.  They don’t kill people.”

Ultrasound Technician

There are few things that excite me more than finding out what sex of a baby someone is going to have.  I really have no self-control in this area.  If a couple came in and didn’t want to know what they were having, I would be like Kristen Wigg on SNL when she plays the character that can’t handle the suspense of a surprise.

“Heyyyy, don’t you think that color on the screen is looking really BLUE?  You don’t?  Oh….”

“Well, I have a new kitten that’s bottle fed and I think I’m going to WEINER soon.”  (big smile, dramatic pause)

The family gets mad and walks out.

I throw confetti on them.  I’m thrilled.

 

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And The Winner Is…

 

Congratulations to Instagram follower @dknight_design on winning the giveaway from Redhaven Letters on Etsy!  Contact Megan via her Etsy shop and get to picking out or creating the prints you would like! Thanks everyone for entering.  I have a pretty big cash prize giveaway that will a be coming down the shoot in the next few months.  Until then….

I’ll be posting again tomorrow with a blog called, No Shame In Surviving!  See you then!

Thanks, y’all!

 

GIVEAWAY: Redhaven Letters Etsy Shop

 

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Redhaven Letters is a new Etsy shop that I love with hand lettered art and watercolor prints for your home.  She is the businazz at art and on top of her prints, also provides logo design, business cards, and invitations.  So if you like what you see, have something created and hire her as a graphic designer for whatever you may need!

Today’s giveaway is for any three prints from her shop OR two 8 by 10 custom prints with wording/colors of your choosing!  Think a child’s name, your wedding vows, a special date, monogram, favorite quote, favorite scripture…whatever your brain comes up with!  Now that’s a load of fun times!

Check out her prints here and to enter, follow her on Instagram @redhavenletters and share this post.  Winner will be announced Wednesday at 10 a.m., per my normal post time.  That is all you have to do to enter, but if you wish for some extra winning power and haven’t already, follow me on Facebook and Pinterest.

Good luck, homies.

 

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The Seriousness of T-Shirts: A Girl’s Best Friend

 

Before going out I have to think fast, “What pair of scummy clothes do I want to wear?”  This usually means I need to switch out the blue pants I’m wearing for a more attractive black or gray pair.  Furthermore, I need to trade one t-shirt for another. I can’t wear my shirt with the food pyramid on it to Walmart, are you crazy?  I need a vacation bible shirt for that.

The other day we were getting ready to go who knows where and I told Lance to toss me a t-shirt.  He threw me a church league softball shirt and without thinking I said, “No, this is my going out shirt.” I immediately laughed but not because I was joking but that I’m lame enough for that to be true. I’m not sure at what rock bottom point you have to get to in order to say something like that but ladies, I have arrived.

There are 3 tiers of stuff you wear around the house:

1-  The Indecents

These are things that are really comfortable and though their flowing comfortable nature abounds, there are rips or faded patches that reveal areas of disgrace.  If these outfits are bad enough, they may require running quickly by a visible window at the front of the house.  I am about to purchase new blinds for this very reason.  A good pair of ragged trash pile t-shirts or pants can’t be replaced.  I will replace my windows before I replace my indecents.

2.  That’ll Dos

This is for when you are having people over and a hole in the butt of your pants is too much but a nice Fruit of the Loom plaid will do.  Sometimes you learn that your “that’ll do” clothes are actually “indecents”  when someone tells you, “Hey, I can see straight through those pants.”  It will probably be a friend or sister or both.  I don’t know.  I’ve never been in that situation.

3. Going Outs

When your “indecents” and “that’ll dos” won’t suffice and you need to go somewhere like Target or to the grocery, you reach for a shirt that says, “I may have worked out or I may have not.”  Either way, this shirt will give the appearance of someone who might possibly exercise.  Outfits in this category include wearing yoga pants instead of your husband’s pants or a size small t-shirt over a triple x.  There are many ways to say “I cared a little bit more than a garbage man today.”

4.  Waffle Pants

There is really nothing called waffle pants, but I thought if I’ve kept a reader this far, then I might as well maximize on the element of surprise.

I can’t stress to you the endless benefits of dressing in pajama like clothes several times everyday.  If you want people to think you’re super hot, dress like this on the daily because then when you upgrade to say an Old Navy fitted tee, you will blow people out of the water with a tailored look.  If you dress nicely every day, you have so far to fall.  However, if you dress in the three tiers of clothes, it’s only up.  Basically, people become easily impressed by you which is a win-win for the breathablility of your pants and on lookers.

Wisdom is pouring out of me like an open fountain from Fantastic Falls.  Is there really a place called Fantastic Falls? Lets just say you better wear your waffle pants there.

 

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